Betrayal by friend, long distance marriage

- Betrayal has been around since the beginning of man, and although it still hurts, it is possible to heal past it. Lisa’s question about the complications of spouses living and working in different cities becomes more serious when children come along. Working as a team to support your marriage should always be a priority. 

Dear Mary Jo,
How do I get over a friend’s betrayal?
Thank you,
Susan

Dear Susan,
“Ouch.” Betrayal is one of the biggest hurts to heal, but unfortunately, most encounter it in their life. Kings, queens, politicians and Jesus Christ himself have been betrayed. The most difficult part in healing is there’s no closure because the betrayer won’t talk to you about what happened. My advice is to remember that anyone who would betray you has a character flaw that you cannot fix. When someone betrays you, they’ll most likely betray the person they betrayed you for as well. Don’t get into the vicious cycle of talking badly about her to your friends, because that will force others to take sides. Disloyal people have a low self-esteem, which makes them needier of being liked than being loyal. It’s a weakness on their end, so don’t let it become a weakness on yours.  People who throw dirt usually end up with dirty faces.

Dear Mary Jo,
How do keep your marriage strong when your husband works out of town?
Thank you,
Lisa

Dear Lisa,
Many men see their duty as a husband to be the provider, but they forget that being a provider will not be enough to support a marriage with kids. It’s important that the two of you discuss possible options. You got married to be a team, to be together, and raise your children together. That’s hard to do if he’s never there. However, there are things you can begin doing now personally that will help you not become resentful or bitter about his time away.
1. Talk to him every day, and share your ups and downs of the day.
2. Make a conscious decision to not be bitter. Resentment creeps in when you feel taken advantage of or not heard. Make sure he understands how you feel and brainstorm solutions together.
3. Take care of yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally for you (this includes building a network of good friends). Letting yourself go because he doesn’t see you every day is passive aggressive behavior and causes depression, which ends up sabotaging you.
4. Discuss the changes of lifestyle required if he takes a job at home. Will the loss of income, status and lifestyle changes be too much of a sacrifice for the health of your marriage? Many couples want their partner to be there but they aren’t willing to give up the lifestyle afforded by the spouse’s current job. Double messages never work.
5. Claim your life as it is for now. Feeling frustrated with the current situation and taking it out on each other, rather than working together to build a better situation, destroys marriages.

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